Today I had a composition lesson with my "new" teacher. I exposed the a piece of the third movement to a score that I labored over for a combined total of maybe 15 hrs over three days. It was about 1:30 worth of music.
He pointed out how the opening abruptly changed, how things felt too compressed, how it didn't move the way he thought it should (according to the motives I introduced, etc.). He called one of my figures the "sigh" motive, which was appropriate I guess, but to call it that almost seemed patronizing. The things he said about it really got to me... I left his office feeling defeated and discouraged. It didn't feel healthy. I am not so sure it was his fault... probably more of my own. I'm pretty damn sensitive about my work, and it seems to a fault.
He stated these things in a sensitive and really seemingly respectful way, and made it clear it was just his "opinion", but somehow the fact that he did that made it feel all the worse.
And I also can't help agree with him on certain counts. I mean, the guy made sense and he did it in a seemingly friendly way. So what's my fucking problem? Why do I not want to go to another lesson with him? Why did I get the thought that I wanted to today leave the university of arizona? I have no idea...
Anyway, I loaded up
http://newmusicbox.org just now and found a funnily appropriate editorial which directly addresses my conundrum.
I'll repost for safety's sake... [check out the second comment down for a laugh and a nod (his comment is as good as the editorial)]
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The Discouraging Things We Say to Others and Ourselves
By Frank J. Oteri
Tuesday, March 11, 2008, 4:48:45 PM
I learned in a subway conversation last night that an emerging composer once showed a score of his to a composition teacher, who is himself a prominent composer, only to be told: "This music cannot be sight-read, therefore it is not good." Now, most composers have had the awful experience of sitting through an under-rehearsed performance of one of their works, but this quip implies that such a bad performance is actually the composer's own fault.
Then this morning a colleague revealed to me that he had once composed a ten-minute opera many years ago, but had stopped pursuing composition after the opera coach he presented it to at the time said that he couldn't make theatrical sense of it. Frequently it is the work that challenges my assumptions of right and wrong that I find most compelling, however the implication that creating such work is a sign of artistic ineptitude can have a stifling effect on its creation and development.
Yet there's something far worse than these discouraging comments from teachers and potential performers, and something even more harmful than the inevitable slam from a critic: our own internalization of that negativity—allowing it to curtail and, in some cases, even extinguish our own creative endeavors. A composer friend of mine frequently exclaims that both he and I are not really legitimate composers, but rather are hobbyists since we do not work on our music a majority of the time and certainly are not remunerated for it in a way that we could live on. But I'm nonplussed, since I count among my greatest musical heroes composers like Charles Ives and Julius Eastman, whose un-sightreadable, often nonsensical, and—at least in their lifetimes—economically unviable compositions remain constantly engaging and transformative.
By rtanaka -
ryant@ryangtanaka.comSelf-criticism is necessary thing I think, but a lot of the times I think an excess of this prevents people from taking risks or showing their work to the public. Being "hard on yourself" has a noble ring to it, but sometimes this sort of self-loathing is an excuse to shut out outside opinions as means of maintaining one's comfort level. One good teacher I had said that external criticism is something that you have to seek out yourself -- getting outside opinions is probably the quickest (although sometimes it can be unpleasant) way to improve. Regardless if you decide to take criticism at face value or with a grain of salt is largely up to the individual, but they should at least know what people are thinking so they don't end up with unexpected surprises or end up projecting unrealistic expectations.
Some of the best feedback I got were from non-musicians, because they usually had opinions which were refreshingly unbiased. "Boring" was a pretty frequent remark...we often exaggerate our efforts at escaping our comfort zone but in reality it isn't usually percieved this way. But hey, it gives me a problem to tackle (how to make it less boring) in the meantime.
It took me a long time before I realized that it largely doesn't matter whether what you're doing is good or bad or new or old, as long as you're gradually improving on whatever you're doing. I've gotten empty praises and unhelpful (sometimes nasty) criticisms, but at the same time helpful positive comments as well as constructive criticism. I think the trick is to figure out what has helped and what hasn't, in regards to your skill and understanding of your medium. Sometimes it has nothing to do with how it makes you feel emotionally, either.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008, 4:57:54 PM
I Know You Are but What Am I
By coreydargel -
corey@automaticheartbreak.comDavid Lang once said something like this: If you give the world only what it thinks it needs, there can be no progress.
Frank, I think you've hit on a very important and underacknowledged phenomenon. A healthy dose of self-doubt and perfectionism is a good thing, but sometimes it goes too far and becomes self-hatred or defeatism.
I imagine that a lot of creative artists who have spent their careers pushing against the status-quo have unconsciously internalized the negative responses to their work. On the other hand, if a artist's skin is so thin that a single person's disrespectful criticism is enough to discourage him or her forever, then I'm not sure that artist was determined enough to begin with.
It's important for people in powerful positions to be conscientious of the things they do and say and of how those things affect less powerful people. However, a community of people who are too afraid to state their opinions seems to me to be just as undesirable as a community of reactionary critics.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008, 7:09:26 PM
By tjb1982 -
tjb1982@gmail.comThere's no reason to think that negative criticism should affect a person one way or another. Criticism, or praise for that matter, affects people in different ways. I think self-criticism works the same way. If you allow your self-criticism to overwhelm you, chances are you would react to overt criticism from someone you care about in a similar way. But I don't think it's the criticism that overwhelms you. Doesn't everyone have a little critic inside them? I sure do. But that same critic is the one that gets excited when I'm on the right track. Critics are just people with opinions, and there are lots of opinions out there. It's not the critic who would turn me off from composing. It's probably lack of interest and the need to compose.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 12:11:11 AM
